Best Golf Puns and Jokes

The great game of golf is more than just smashing long drives, hitting greens and draining birdies. There may be nothing better than an enjoyable round with family and friends. But why not sprinkle in both birdies and golf jokes/puns to make your round un-fore-gettable? 

Maybe you want to give your buddy a hard time for driving it shorter than you, or for shooting that 101. Maybe you just need to laugh off that 4-putt after sticking the green on the approach shot. Or even more daring, you see the cart girl coming by and you want to say something clever. You can always call in that mulligan if you miss the green with her. For your golf adventures, snapping up some epic pictures captioned with a golf pun completes a perfect Instagram post. 

Whether you’re hitting the links on vacation or playing a casual round with your buddies, a bad round can be less painful when you tee-up a few one-liners. We’ve put together a list of our favorite 72-par-fore-the-course golf story jokes, pun, one-liners for you to enjoy!

List of Best Golf Puns and Jokes

Top 25 Golf Puns and Jokes

  1. Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.
  2. My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped. 
  3. You know what is the easiest shot in golf? The fourth putt.
  4. I’m not a bad putter. I just can’t catch a break.
  5. A good golf partner is one who’s always a little bit worse than you are. 
  6. Friend (22 handicap): “Merry Christmas! I wish there was more snow out so I could make a snowman.” Other Buddy: “Just go golf and you can easily make one on a par 5.”
  7. I just bought my buddy a get better soon card. He’s not sick. I just think he could get better at golf.
  8. The problem with your game is your loft. My loft? Lack Of F**king Talent.
  9. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you’ll have to buy some more.
  10. Golf is a lot like taxes – you go for the green and you come out in the hole.
  11. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore.
  12. What is a golfer’s worst nightmare? The Bogeyman.
  13. What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? She drops him off at the golf course!
  14. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
  15. Question: “Is he a bad golfer?” Answer: “It’s a fore-gone conclusion.”
  16. I really admire your length.
  17. Question: How bad do you want to be a good golfer? Answer: I have a driving ambition. 
  18. What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? May the fours be with you.
  19. Wife: I’m sick of your obsession with golf! Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
  20. It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
  21. Golfer: Hey do you know where they are building that new Walmart? Buddy: No, where? Golfer: Between my drive and yours. 
  22. If you can even read words, how do you expect to read greens?
  23. Get down and hit the fore.
  24. Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
  25. Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? At the golf corpse!

Best 26-50 Golf Jokes

  1. Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? All the fans are gone!
  2. Why does Sir-Mix-a-Lot always chip the ball away from the flagstick? He likes big putts and he cannot lie.
  3. Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? In case they get a hole-in-one!
  4. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.” – Lee Trevino
  5. Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro.
  6. Who do golfers pay tribute to on the 4th of July? Their fore-fathers!
  7. I prefer a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. 
  8. What are a golfer’s favorite flowers? Fore-get Me Nots.
  9. I’m going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?
  10. Stay humble and put your eagle aside
  11. Golf got its name because players yell many four-letter words during their round.
  12. Golf is the only game where you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
  13. Golf is a five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
  14. What does a golfer like to hear from his wife? Talk birdie to me.
  15. Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done? He was puttering around.
  16. That was a fantastic threesome!
  17. Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons? So you can’t see them laughing.
  18. A bigger head shoots much farther!
  19. Golf can best be described as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
  20. The fairway is an unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass between tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it.
  21. Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It’s Arnold’s turn to tee off, and he does so. It’s a long drive straight up the fairway, and he’s about a five iron off the green. “Not bad,” Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot. “Jesus!” yells Palmer, “Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?”
  22. If the musicians, Ice T and Lemonade formed a band, what would it be called? Arnold Palmer
  23. One positive of Arnold Palmer’s passing…He’s six under for the first time in years…
  24. Why are these Americans good at golf? Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers? O.J.’s a slicer, Monica’s a hooker, Ted Kennedy can’t drive over water, and Clinton can’t seem to hit the right hole!
  25. During a Pro Am, Arnold Palmer’s partner asked, “Well Arnold, what do you think of my game?” “It’s OK,” said Arnie, “but I prefer golf!”

Top 51-72 Golf Puns and Jokes

  1. A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There,” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.” “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
  1. Arnold Palmer & Tiger Woods

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger’s tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, “How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?”

Arnold replies: “When I was your age, I’d just play right over this tree.”

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol’ Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: “Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

  1. I’m not over the hill. I’m just on the back nine.
  2. Golfers aren’t happy unless they’re teed off!
  3. A bad day of golf always beats a good day at work.
  4. I’m a scratch golfer. I swing my club and just scratch my head.
  5. “Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.” – A. A. Milne
  6. Your main problem is you are standing too close to the ball… after you have hit it.
  7. “You don’t know what pressure is until you’ve played for $5 a hole with only $2 in your pocket.” – Lee Trevino
  8. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
  9. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
  10. Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day.

    This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.

    “Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it,” exclaimed Jesus. “I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I.”

    Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball.

    Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

    “I know I can do this, Moses — I’ve seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I.”

    “Look, Jesus,” said Moses. “Try again if you like, but I’m not parting the water for you again.”

    “Fair enough, Moses,” said Jesus.

    Once again, Jesus’ ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to retrieve it.

    Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. “Holy Cow!” one of them said to Moses. “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?”

    “No,” said Moses, rolling his eyes. “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer”.
  1. If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
  1. Wife: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Husband: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
  1. Q: How do you like my game? A: Oh, it’s a great game, but personally I prefer golf.
  1. “You’re late on the tee, John.” 

“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”

“Okay, but why are you so late?”

“I had to toss it 15 times!”

  1. The Funeral Procession

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he’s about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

“Wow,” one of his opponents says. “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You’ve got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something.”

“Well,” Charlie says, “we were married for 25 years.”

  1. Arnie, Jack and Tiger Before God

Arnold PalmerJack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Arnie first: “What do you believe?” Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, “What do you believe?”

Jack says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.”

God is greatly moved by Jack’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: “And you, Tiger, what do you believe?”

Tiger replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

  1. Tee Time

Tom was a man of faith, and a man of the golf course. He played golf every Sunday religiously, but only after attending church services.

Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling ill, he said to his wife, “I sure hope there is golf in the afterlife. I feel terrible!”

His wife told him not to overreact with talk about the afterlife. “Go to church and say a little prayer,” she suggested, “and you’ll feel better.”

So Tom headed to church. As he kneeled at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer: “Oh Lord, thank you for everything – my health, my wife and my golf game. I hope that when I reach Heaven I can still play golf.”

As soon as he finished, a voice thundered: “Tom, this is the Lord. I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

Tom was startled. “Well, give me the good news,” he said.

The Lord replied, “The good news is that in Heaven, we have thousands of championship golf courses, play is never slow, it’s always free and you will never lose a golf ball.”

Tom was ecstatic, “That’s wonderful! You’ve answered my prayer! But what is the bad news?”

The Lord replied, “You tee off tomorrow at 9 a.m.”

  1. Greenside Manner

A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play.

But on the ninth green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.

“Oh no,” the husband exclaims, “you’re having a heart attack!”

“Help me, dear,” the wife implores, “find a doctor.”

The husband runs off as fast as he can to find a doctor. He returns to the green quickly, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and glares at him. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting!?” she asks incredulously.

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly. “I found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” the wife valiantly asks.

“No time at all,” her husband answers, while practicing his stroke. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

  1.  A Liar and a Cheater

Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, “What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?” Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.

It’s a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.

“C’mon,” Gary says to Lee, “help me find my ball. I’ll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there.”

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desperate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

“Found my ball!” Gary shouts out triumphantly.

Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. “After all the years we’ve been friends,” Lee says, “you’d cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat?” Gary asks indignantly. “I found my ball sitting right here!”

Lee lets out a heavy sigh. “And you’d lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You’d cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”

“Well what makes you so sure I’m cheating and lying, anyway?” Gary asks.

“Because,” Lee replies, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

  1. Did I Do That?

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn’t in the mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.

Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, “”Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” Chuck replied, “yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?”

“Did you happen to hook your tee shot?” the policeman asked.

“Yes, I did,” replied Chuck.

“Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?” the policeman asked.

“Why, yes, it did,” said Chuck. “Why are you asking me these questions?”

The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: “Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. That driver’s car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!”

The policeman’s voice was rising with consternation. “The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!”

The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. “What do you think you should do about all this?” he finally asked Chuck.

Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for a minute, then replied.

“Well,” Chuck said, “I think I’ll try opening my stance a little.”

Conclusion

We have hit some of (in our opinion) the top golf jokes and puns on the internet, so load up and get ready to fire some of these off next round you play!

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